Posted on 2006.05.22 at 00:10
Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom, nestled deep within a magical forest. The kingdom was ruled by a kind King, named King Walter, and a gentle Queen named Queen Susan. They were very happy, and the entire kingdom loved them dearly.
One day, King Walter gathered the kingdom in the town square for an important announcement.
“Beloved people of Baruda, I am pleased to announce that that I have some wonderful news..” King Walter beamed at everyone, his purple robe flowing behind him majestically. He smiled at the mothers, holding their children. He smiled at the men. He smiled at the rich, the poor, the indecisive. He winked at the barmaids, nodded at the innocently anxious faces of the youth, and waved his hands at the friendly dragons, cheeky pixies and other wonderful creatures.
After drawing a deep breath, he said,
“Last night, my dear wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl,”
“O rly?” cried the townsfolk.
“Indeed. Fair skin, brunette locks, big, brown eyes..” King Walter stroked his blonde heard with a well-tanned hand, and gazed at the crowd with his twinkling blue eyes.
After a moments silence, a member of the crowd piped up.
“Your Grace, may I ask, how be this possible? The entire Barudic royal clan has been nothing but blonde haired and blue eyes, even when marrying outside the bloodline!”
The crowd murmured and nodded in agreement.
“Exactly,” said King Walter, snapping his fingers. Two men dressed in togas appeared from behind, dragging none other than Queen Susan herself.
“My wonderful news was not that my wife had given birth, but that today is as day that will do down in Barudic history. Today, the entire town will witness Baruda’s first live execution!” exclaimed King Walter, who cackled insanely while thunder and lightning crashed behind him.
And with that, King Walter slid his sword through Queen Susan’s stomach, twisted it a few times, thrust it out and flicked her intestines into the crowd.
“Dude, wtf?” said a small boy, aged about 5. He was lucky enough to be in the back of the crowd and had missed having a face full of the late Queen Susan’s digestive system.
“Dude, wtf?” said another small boy, standing a few feet from the other. He too was about 5, and was carrying a small wooden sword.
The boys turned to look at each other. Their eyes met.
“HAHAHAHA!! Stfu,” said the second boy, laughing at the first boys obvious bloodline descent.
And with that, they went their separate ways.
16 Years Later…
“Honeycakes, time for church!”
“Fuck off.”
“Don’t let the Lord hear you curse like that. Come on, out of bed,” said a middle-aged woman, pulling open her sons’ curtains.
“Bitch, I cut you!” yelled the young man, who promptly threw a dagger at his mother, missing intentionally.
She sighed, “Oh Tarrant, what am I going to do with you?” and ruffled his hair playfully.
He was about to answer, when his younger brother interrupted.
“Mother! A message from the Fallen Kingdom of Baruda has arrived!”
Mrs. Holman stared at her younger son.
“Give it to me.”
She read through the message once, twice, three times. Tarrant sat it awe. After the incident 16 years ago the entire Barudic community had evacuated, and no word had ever escaped its crumbled walls since.
“What’s it say?” asked Tysoneth, the younger son.
Mrs. Holman turned to Tarrant, who had snuggled back into his blankets.
“The-..There’s..Tarrant..” Mrs. Holman paused,
“Princess Tahlia, daughter of the late Queen Susan,..She’s alive!”
“You wha?”
“She’s been sighted in a tall, tall tower just outside of the Barudic Castle ruins. There’s a reward for whoever can be stuffed rescuing her!”
“O rry?”
“One. Hundred. Million. Dollars.”
Russell sat up from beside Tarrant, wiping sleep out of his eyes.
“We are so there,” said Russell, knudging Tarrant in the ribs.
And thus, Russell and Tarrant set off on a pilgrimage. A long, meaningful pilgrimage full of comedy, violence, self-discovery and homosexual innuendoes that I can’t be stuffed elaborating.
Instead, we shall reflect briefly upon the relationship between Tarrant and Russell.
Tarrant and Russell had known each other since primary school. They became good friends fast, and before they knew it they were joined at the hip. Literally.
It’d been a long night. Tarrant and Russell had had one too many lemon & lime bitters and decided that playing with super-glue was a great way to pass time. Tarrant squeezed just a bit too hard. The rest is self-explanatory. An immediate bond. At least, that’s what they tell everyone.
“Craptastic” said Tarrant, as they reached the gates of Baruda. And craptastic it was. The entire kingdom had fallen after the death of Queen Susan. The happy magic that had sat upon the loving King and Queen had dissipated, and Baruda collapsed. Now, the kingdom was overrun by thieves, hookers and was home to the most feared gang in the land.
“I’m thirsty, let’s go buy some scotch,” said Tarrant, and they headed for the nearest bar. The outside was run-down and rotting. Inside wasn’t much better. Tacky techno-pop played loudly, drugged hookers littered the floor..
“Oh. Em. Gee.” said Tarrant, staring at the only other conscious person in the bar, seated up front. He was facing away from the door.
It was that boy. That other boy, from 16 years ago.
He was decked in shiny silver armour. A handsomely sheathed sword sat at his side, clearly no longer wooden. His long, red locks sparkled in an otherworldly light of awesomeness.
“Hey, check out the red-head. You like red-heads, right Taz?” chuckled Russell, who received a punch in the clavicle. The armoured man set down his drink and said, “That’s Sir Ben to you,” before turning to face the two others. A look of disgusted confusion washed over his face as his eyes fell on the connected hips.
“Yo, the name’s Taz,” said Taz, stepping forward. “Try to ignore the joint-thing, it’s the result of a freak accident”.
Russell nodded and introduced himself.
“Sir Ben eh? I’m Lord Russington”.
“Indeed,” said Ben, leaning back against the bar. “So. What brings you two to Baruda?”
Taz hesitated, he wasn’t sure how many people knew about the trapped Princess, and had no desire to advertise the situation to any possible competition.
“We’re here to rescue some Princess..”
“Is that so? What on earth could be driving you to perform such an effort-filled feat? Fame..Money, perhaps?”
“Heroic nobility”
“Damn straight” said Russell.
“Heh. You mean to say that the $100mil doesn’t interest you?” said Ben, smirking as he presented a letter identical to the one Taz had received.
“..Fuck up.”
Ben laughed and folded the letter back into a non-existent pocket. Because armor doesn’t have pockets. Deal.
“It would seem I have competition after all. Well,” Ben stood and moved closer to Tarrant and Russell, “Let’s go. You, me and your appendage.”
It took Tarrant a moment to realize that Ben was challenging him, and not suggesting that the three of them save the Princess as one big manly team.
“You’re on. But keep the sword to yourself. This is fists only.”
Ben nodded and worked himself into a stance, shoving an unconscious man to the side.
Tarrant and Russell raised their fists, stepping over a half dressed..
“..This chick has a package!” exclaimed Russell, horrified.
“AHHHHHHHHMOTHERFUC-AHHHHHHHHHH!!1!” said some random from the back of the bar.
“..We should probably check that out,” said Tarrant, eyeing Ben off from the corner of his eye.
Ben sighed, “Sure. You do that. I’ll get started with this Princess business.”
And with that, Ben gallivanted out of the bar, his armor sparkling brilliantly.
“Fucker,” said Tarrant, as he and Russell raced towards the scream.
Many unnecessary obstacles and uses of logic and agility later, the pair stumbled across a rather attractive woman. She was huddled between some wine barrels and appeared to be in great pain. Upon noticing Tarrant, her eyes lit up as hope filled her tiny, fear-filled heart.
“Sir, oh good Sir, pray tell you’ve come to save me?”
“Eh..” Tarrant eyed the woman up and down, taking in her soft, blonde hair, dewy blue eyes and ample, feminine figure. “That’s right. Heard you scream. Everything cool?”
The woman shook her head, “A strange man who’s identity and motives will never be revealed during this story because he’s simply a filler character just burst in and broke both my long, seductive legs. I’m unable to move..Could you help me out of here?”
“Glad to be of service, m’lady,” said Tarrant, moving closer to the woman and tenderly picking her up. They trekked their way back to the front. After a moments silence, Russell asked,
“May I ask, what were you doing in the back of the bar?”
“Getting drunk,” replied the woman.
“Ah.”
The trio stepped outside. A warm breeze greeted them, the sun shone proudly. A family of rabid raccoons were fighting over the rotting corpse of something now unidentifiable, particularly since its stomach acids had been spilt over most of its defining facial features.
“Pray tell, kind and noble Sir, what brings you to the Fallen Kingdom of Baruda?” asked the woman.
“Why, the beautiful women, of course,” said Tarrant. The woman blushed and giggled,
“Oh you..”
“That Tarrant, with his charisma score of 11. Lol!” said some random, passing them in the street.
“Oh no, he’s so charming, he not ronery at all,” said Kien.
Russell and Tarrant took it in turns to tell the woman of their pilgrimage and mission, taking due care to make it sound as impressive and heroic as possible.
“A Princess? You came all this way to save the Princess? Oh, how impressive and heroic of you!” said the woman, admiringly. “Well, the tower is just over there. It’s surrounded by a crocodile-filled moat, has a number of magical curses set upon it and there’s no visible entrance into the structure itself!”
“To the tower!” said Russell. And to the tower they went.
Ben stood angrily, glaring at the lack of entry to the towers’ top. He’s been able to fight off the ravenous crocodiles, deflect the curses.. But none of that meant anything if he couldn’t reach the Princess. He studied the tower thoughtfully, looking for any constructional flaws.
“Oi you!”
Ben turned to see Tarrant, Russell and a woman standing at the edge of the moat.
“How’d you get past all the magical crap?”
“’Sif tell you,” said Ben, punching the tower in his frustration. A large crack tore through the air as a hole appeared in the towers’ side.
“Wha..” said Tarrant, as Ben smirked triumphantly. He proceeded to continue punching away at the hole, so as to make it large enough to crawl inside.
“Wow, he’s really strong!” cried the woman, gazing over at Ben.
Tarrant felt a pang of jealousy. There wasn’t enough time to work out how to destroy the crocodiles, nor was there time to break the curses.. He looked over at Russell. Russell looked at Tarrant. The woman looked at Ben. The raccoons looked at the fresh blood pumping through the woman’s warm, soft neck..
“It’s time, Russell. It’s time to –“
“I know, Tarrant. I know.”
Tarrant set the woman down softly. “Wait here, we’ll be back for you.”
And with that, Russell and Tarrant stood, proudly facing the tower and their powerful opponent.
“Hey Ben..”
“What?!”
“How do you like these apples?!”
Ben stopped punching for a moment. He turned to look at what should have been two regular, everyday males. Instead..
Tarrant and Russell were glowing with a mighty, superawesome powerful glow of power. Their fists were clenched as they cried out, heightening their strength. There was much glowing, yelling, flashy, erratic lighting and nonsensical sound effects as the truth behind the joint hips was exposed. The sky turned dark, making the newly formed being illuminate with 7331 supremeity.
Ben stared.
The woman stared.
The raccoons stopped eating a deceased hooker’s fallopian tube.
“I, am SUPER KAMIKAZE SUNSHINE HAPPY TIME OMEGA ROBOT TAZ.” boomed the heavily armored being. If there is a God, then Super Kamikaze Sunshine Happy Time Omega Robot Taz would have absolutely nothing to do with it. Apart from the fact that it’s clearly better and more powerful. And damn, was it tall.
Super Kamikaze Sunshine Happy Time Omega Robot Taz ripped through all the magical barriers with breathtaking ease and promptly snapped the top of the tower off with his giant hands. He laughed in triumph. It was a triumph far greater than any triumph ever triumphed before.
Much re-transforming and glowing later, Tarrant and Russell had returned to their human selves. They wiped their brows and admired the final remains of the magic super glue, the source of their transforming power.
“Well, time for our $100mil!” said Tarrant, standing and making his way to the tower.
“Yes..We did it!” said Russell, joining Tarrant eagerly.
They peered inside the tower window at the single, circular room.
It was bare.
“…”
“…”
“Wait! I see something!” said Russell, pointing at a figure, huddled under a faded pink cloth.
The men climbed in, gazing intently at the hunched body. Tarrant reached out and gently shook the Princess.
“Bones. Fucking bones.”
“What were you expecting?” said an old china man, stroking his imaginary beard. “The Princess could only rive on insects sand dew for so rong..”
“You wha?” said Tarrant.
“You see, when they create giant tower, they forget to make entrance. Princess trapped up top. Nobody be stuffed rescuing her. Princess die.”
Tarrant felt his brain implode.
“Don worry! Princess bone very valuable! I send out message to anyone that will save her! $100mil dorra!” exclaimed the china man.
“YES!” cried Tarrant, and Russell, and the staff at Capcom as Daniella finally ate glass.
The china man smiled and placed the reward in Tarrant’s hand. “There, $100mil.”
Tarrant stared blankly. “This isn’t money. This is peanut shell!”
“Sorry, I don’t understand your currency” said the china man, gathering the Princess bones and skipping away into the distance.
“Motherfuc-“
“Good Sir, your robot form.. Oh my, how impressive and heroic!” said the woman, who had crawled over to the tower. Tarrant smiled briefly.
“Seems like a bit of a waste, eh Tarrant?” said Russell, glumly tapping his feet to an unheard tune.
Tarrant looked down at the woman, her eyes gazing lovingly into his.
“You know, it kinda was.”
And with that, Tarrant draped the woman over his shoulders and headed off into the sunset.
“But I got the bitches.”
What Became Of Ben?
He was pinned to the ground by falling rubble. However, he survived and was tended to by a flock of attractive, non-hooker females from the neighbouring kingdom. He was made King and lived happily ever after. When questioned about his incredible luck and invincibility, he simply replied, “It’s the hair,”. Word.
Posted on 2006.04.26 at 23:36
Current Location: In front of a computer you faggots
Current Mood: nigga wat
Current Music: Poets of the fall i think. Something mike gave me
Tags: aryan
YO! It’s the green machine -- Gonna rock the town without bein’ seen
Have you ever seen a turtle Get Down? -- Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound
Yeah, everybody let’s move -- Vanilla is here with the new Jack Groove
Gonna rock, and roll this place -- With the power of the ninja turtle bass
Iceman, ya know I’m not playin’ -- Devistate the show while the turtles are sayin:
Chorus:
Ninja, Ninja, RAP! Ninja, Ninja, RAP!
GO GO GO
Go Ninja, Go Ninja, GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
Go Ninja, Go Ninja. GO; Go Ninja, Go ninja, GO!
GO GO GO GO
Lyrics, fill in the gap -- Drop that bass and get the NINJA RAP
Feel it, if you know what I mean -- Give it up for those heroes in green
Just flowin, smooth with the power -- Kickin’ it up, hour after hour
Cause in this life there’s only one winner -- You better aim good so you can hit the center
In it to win it, with a team of four -- Ninja Turtles that you gotta adore it’s the:
Chorus
Villians, you better run and hide -- Because one day you might not slide
Choose your weapon but don’t slip -- Vanilla’s in control with the flex of the mic grip
Rockin’ the crowd the way it should be rocked -- With the Miami drop that you like alot
Hittin like a Ninja Turtle when the bass kicks in -- You better check your level
The power of the Ninja is strong -- Fightin’ all the crooks until they’re all out cold
I dare you to post a better fucking song for a 10 year old. I fucking dare you.
Posted on 2006.04.02 at 20:57
If i were a pirate, it would be grand
I'd sail the seas with my merry band
They'd be a good crew, number of five
And the end of this story, we wont be all alive
A fine spring morn i set out on my boat
The tazfagginator 6000, i like to gloat
a ship so fast, she could almost fly
You could attempt to beat it, but i wouldn't try
She was made of wood, and had fucking awesome wings
As well as a multitude of other badical things
A rocket launcher here, a surfboard there
As well as a cannon that shot a flaming bear
I suppose now, i should name me crew
And if your lucky, i might name you (not fucking likely)
Russell, the first mate, with sideburns so thick
And his sword named "junior" who'll give you a hell of a prick
He swings to and fro the enemy ships
To try and steal their red rooster chips
Kien the scout, with his fantastic eye
Can spot an enemy, quick as you like
But be careful to engage them quick
Or he'll get bored and go home like a dick
Ben the cannoneer, with an aim so true
When he fires you better hope it aint at you
Always watch movies before him because he's a fag who spoils things oh god i hate him so much
There's also mike, the ships engineer
Don't kiss him, or he'll call you a queer
He likes a good argue, thats no debate
But don't...i dunno, be a nazi?
And finally theres chris, the peg boy of the boat
if you dont know what that is, google it
fuck im sick of ryhming
cat cat cat cat cat cat cat
god fuck im bored
Posted on 2005.12.08 at 00:45
It was cold.
We stared at one another, our cloaks whipping in the biting wind. The rain was pouring down with a thunderous roar, as if we stood in an ancient colosseum. The gods themselves were cheering us on.
"You know it would come to this supartaz. You've irked me for too long"
His eyes were cold, staring out from the top of his cloak.
"Did you think you could run away? Did you think you could stop me? Stop FATE?"
Lightning flashed through the sky.
I had to reply fast. I had to keep him talking.
"You call this fate? Destiny? You call what you did to my friends fate? That you were SUPPOSED to kill them all? To watch as their bodies disintegrated in the heat? You say it wasn't your god damn fault? Well it was you monster. And that's why I did what I did. Do you still hear her voice? "Oh please Chuck Norris, save me. Save me!""
He was getting angry. His knuckles turned white on his sword handle.
He was almost here.
Just a little more time.
"So why are you coming after me? Do you think that what I did was worse? That I crossed the line? Well? WELL?"
His eyes narrowed.
"No more words supartaz. Now you die."
Oh shit, too early! The blade missed me by mere centimetres, I just dodged in time. I managed to roll to the side, blade drawn.
He struck, I just managed to block it. He was far stronger than I thought. But wait, he's turning on the spot?
The roundhouse hurt. Like hell. It hurt enough that I dropped my sword. It lay uselessly to the side. Chuck Norris was standing over me, preparing for the finishing blow.
"And now supartaz, you diAAAAAARGH!"
YES. He was HERE!
Chuck Norris fell to the ground, hands grasping at the burn on his back. Supa Mechanoid Pope Man was here!
Suuuupa Mechanoid Pope Man
If you're in trouble, he'll do what he can!
Flying through the air, at speeds you can boast,
The father, the son, the holy ghost!
With his cross, and his staff so true
Fires holy lasers, not one, but two!
He will come
He won't rust
He'll be here, to smite the unjust.
Whether your christian, or jew is your way
He'll save your ass (unless you're gay)
The divine being, the one with the plan,
Go Suuuuupa Mechanoid Pope Man!
By the time the intro song was over, Chuck Norris was on his feet.
"What the, how the....HOW DID YOU UNLOCK SUPA MECHANOID POPE MAN?! TELL ME!"
This was perfect. He was wounded, and his anger had clouded all his actions.
"You'll never know. I don't tell dead men many things."
I jumped high, and landed in the cockpit. Oh no....
Chuck Norris was growing, bigger, and bigger! Oh shit, he was as big as the robot now!
"EAT THIS, FIRE STIGMATA CANNON!"
The robot pope lifted his left hand, and a giant 20cm nail gun fired rapidly, Chuck Norris rolled to the left, and continued running. Not a single one hit any of his palms! Chuck Norris leapt, and pinned the robot pope to the ground. I was looking into the face of terror.
"I'm going to rip you out of that toy supataz, and squeeze the life out of you"
This was perfect for me.
"But before you do that, look down, what do you see wrapped around my neck? Thats right, my Yamato Cross! FIRE YAMATO CROSS!"
A giant holy light engulfed Chuck Norris' head, and he collapsed and shrunk to his original size, minus 1ft of course. I got up, disengaged the pope robot, and sent it on its way. I picked up Chuck Norris' sword, and left. My work here was done. I didn't know what would happen in the future, or who I faced. But I knew one thing, that I would always have the help of SUPA MECHANOID POPE MAN!
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? THE BEST FUCKING LIVEHOURNAL UPDATE EVA FUCKING
MADE. TAKE YOU WRIST CUTTING COMPLAINTS TO OCELOT> I AM TOTALY GHEY
FOR HIM.